Got an opinion of Cher Lloyd? Well so do Lola and Hells. We thought it only right to get the girls together, show them photos of Miss Lloyd and scream “3, 2, 1… FIGHT!!!!!”
LOLA: Why I hate Cher Lloyd:
I hate Cher Lloyd because she looks like a rat.
Ok, ok, I understand I can’t use the girl’s unfortunate aesthetics as a reason for my detestation, so what is it about Lloyd that makes me want to cut off my ears and gauge out my eyes?
Yes it’s plausible to argue that a 24 year old is simply too old for Cher Lloyd’s dulcet tones, but here’s the thing – I have no problem with adopting the mindset of her target audience – that of the 11 year old girl. I will happily join Willow in whipping my hair back and forth and no truer word has been spoken than “i just need somebody to love”– preach Beiber preach. Heck, I can even enjoy the Twilight saga if absolutely necessary. It’s not a question of being outside the demographic.
Is it the ever-tiresome X-factor formula?
Maybe it’s the choice to use her very normal name and the supposed realness this brings to the star. I have no interest in stars being ‘real’, especially not when the ‘reality’ of X-factor usually equates to dull and shit. And surely everybody knows by now if you want to ‘make it big’ you choose a stage name (first pet name + street name usually does the trick.)
Perhaps it’s the fact that she is the spitting image of the nations sweetheart Cheryl Cole. Or maybe it’s that I literally cannot physically say the words Cher Lloyd and Cheryl Cole without one name morphing into the other.
And now I realise.
Despite the obvious sights and sounds of Lloyd making me want to vomit, my reason is pure and simple…
How dare Cher, share her name with the one and only Cher.
It depresses me that when I type ‘Cher’ into youtube to perhaps listen to such classics as ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’, ‘Believe’ or ‘The Shoop Shoop Shoop Song’ the first five suggestions are that of Lloyd.
For those that perhaps aren’t familiar with the fabulous Cher here’s a photo for reference…
Seeing as Lloyd doesn’t seem to want to remove herself from my TV screen/my radio/my magazines and seeing as it’s doubtful she’ll be changing her name any time soon, I have some words of advise for Lloyd…
If you’re going to dress like trash, do it properly like Cher did.
If you’re going to sing when you cant, don’t waste my time with autotune, do full on robotics like Cher did.
And finally, don’t just try to keep facial movements to a minimum in an attempt to hide an uncontrollable sneer, sort it out properly and permanently like Cher did. You know it makes sense.
HELLS: Why I (Kinda) love Cher Lloyd:
I love Cher Lloyd because she is pretty.
Ok, I know that’s not a reason to love someone, but fuck it, I like her hair, her face is pretty, she’s got a cute button nose, and beautiful eyes.
Now, before you get all “Fuck Hells, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about!!” let me say this, I’ve never got behind Cher in a big way until I was confronted with Lola’s pure hate for her. I’m a lover for the underdog, if someone is hated for nothing in particular then my little heart breaks for them. I find myself defending their every movement, even if those movements include going against the person that made them who they were (Really Cher, do you think bitching about Cheryl is going to get you far?!)
I decided to stick up for little rap-stealing, Cheryl wannabe, fake-ghetto-ass Cher Lloyd.
So, let’s look at her…
Rap-stealing: Yes it is true that on the bootcamp performance of X-factor Cher made a point to tell the nation that she had worked really hard to write original lyrics for a rap to include in her cover of Coldplay’s Viva la Vida. I was as excited as a mother-fucker to hear her original lyrics, and hoped with all my might that these lyrics would be Miss Elliot-girl-power-type shit. My heart sank when she opened her mouth and Swizz Beats’ lyrics came flowing out…
Did you really just go there?!
Yes, yes you did….
I can’t condone stealing other people’s shit, however if you’re going to do it, you better do it with balls. If you are going to rap someone else’s lyrics then fuck it, chose to steal from one of the biggest hip-hop stars and do it on National television!
GO HARD OR GO HOME!!!
Cheryl wannabe: Ok, so she seems to have copied pretty much everything Cheryl has done, but is it her fault?! If you looked exactly like Cheryl it would be damn near impossible not to look like you were copying her. And on top of that, the poor lamb got Cheryl as a mentor… I’ve had a female role model, and I’ve been a mentor to a couple girls in the past, and there is no denying that no matter what you do, shit rubs off. If Cheryl is teaching Cher the ways of the world, it is no wonder that Lloyd became a mini Cole (or is it Tweedy now?).
Fake-ghetto-ass:Cher is from a cute little town in Worcestershire, not really Harlem is it?! So I can understand why people hate her “Urban” look and “Hip-Hop” act. But fuck it, if the girl wants to wear doorknocker earrings, sweatpants and trainers then let the bitch do it!! According to Wikipedia, Her Mama is of Romani ancestry, so Cher was often called “pikey” at school, maybe this has made the girl a little ghetto, lord knows when people bully you at an early age it makes you a tough little cookie. Poor diddums had to be tough to survive life in the picturesque town of Great Malvern.
Ghetto Bitch from day one!!
I can hear most of you log-off in disgust at my defence of Miss Lloyd, but like I said, I can’t stand to see hatred against a little 18-year-old who really has no effect on anything or anyone.
Especially if said 18-year-old is so pretty!